The Noteworthies

Okay, so I maybe hoping way too damn much about the project next Monday. The pay is very inviting, and we could seriously use the money. At first, I didn’t even want the whole pie. But after talking to the organizer (or was he just a middle-man?) over the phone, he convinced me that I can both lead the team and edit as well.

So off I went to the meeting last Friday, took two trains and a cab to arrive to the place. Oh yeah, the night before, Abang and I went scouting the place so that I’ll know where to go. Some dingy neighbourhood I’d rather not name here, but dingy and smelly and yucky and urgh! The meeting was supposed to be at 2pm. I was late and I don’t have any idea where I was, but I made it to the meeting anyways.

So we sat, a few of us, they were explaining about the whole thing. They being the guy who called me, some other guy who could barely speak straight English and one guy who looks very icky. They were saying we’ll be leading the team with their film making workshop bla, bla, bla. But the dodgy thing the whole time was that, even they seemed unsure about the whole programme. I asked the name of the conference, and they were unable to give me an answer. I mean, what the heck?

The whole she-bang was supposed to be this teambuilding thing. And part of the teambuilding workshop requires the participant to make a 3 mins film. So that’s where the leaders come in, they need to assist the teams in that process. That’s where I come in, with my broadcasting background et al.

And today, the guy sms-ed me saying, sorry to inform you that you’re not selected as one the leader. Okay, the thing is, as far as I’m concerned, I was already chosen from day one. There was never a mention of any screening process. Now, all of a sudden, I am not chosen. What rankles is that he didn’t see it fit to tell me why I am not chosen. And being me, I don’t settle with “Just because.”

I seriously don’t know what’s going on. But I have a feeling they either a) took me on as a back-up or b) they’re a buncha discriminating schmucks who just don’t know any better. Me? I’ll fume a little bit more before I finally cool down for today. Life’s unfair but fortunately, it also goes on.

CAUTION : be prepared to take one HECK of a leap!

wtf? i didn't know the phonics covered nothing compared to you! depressing, yes, it was depressing enough when sinead did it, but the stereophonics? heheh.. okay, okay, i love it. i'm guilty. i love wallowing in self-pity and misery, okay?

i remember this song from years back. i must either be in late primary or early secondary school. those days, in malaysia, rock kapak ruled the radios. no hitz, mix, era or whatever. our radio staple then were rtm stations. radio 4 is the english radio station. radio muzik for bm stuff.

*sigh* those were the days lah...

tell me baby, where did i go wrong?

demmit, further digging in youtube made me stumble on a video featuring julia stiles and the late heath ledger in ten things i hate about you!

i miss heath. and yes, nothing compares to you, heath. i love to think heath is one of those stars i follow, from being an unknown to being one of the most talked about actor in hollywood.

i remember watching him in his cyclist shorts in sweat, an australian teenage show. he was snowy in the show, a gay cyclist. his cycling partner is this heterosexual italian guy, if i'm not mistaken.

i follow sweat religiously. until it stopped showing. or i had to go to the afternoon school session, i can't really recall which is which.

then, a few years later, be still my heart! heath was in a knight's tale! that movie remains one of my favourite. [and by the by, i think shannyn sossamon, the lead actress own angelina jolie anytime!] i memorize some of the lines, and paul bettany, oh paul bettany!

it's going to be hard watching a knight's tale after this. harder still to watch ten things i hate about you. the dark knight will be bittersweet.

here's looking at you, kid!

we love you for always, heath!

dang, i just realized my last post was from 4 months ago.. really? four months? i think there's something wrong with lifelogger's date thingiemajig.

okay, so updates, shall we?

update 1
i gave birth to a baby boy last february, february 21st 2008 to be exact. i pushed him out of my tummy at around 8.15pm. i went to work as usual that thursday and i knew i had my contractions all day long, but since good ole braxton hicks was a constant companion for a few weeks already by then, i just ignored my contractions. finally in the evening, i somehow convinced my sceptical husband [i am the hypocondriac of the family, oh how unforch!] to take me to the hospital. i could barely sit or walk by that time but i i toughed it out to make it to the labour room, yippee! the midwife checked me and said, it won't be long now.

how was the overall process? painful. i wanted to take epidural actually, but then i changed my mind. then i changed it again to wanting the epidural, then i changed my mind again. in the end, my mind wasn't made up so i decided not to ask for epidural. [so now do you understand how a woman's brain work? you do? bravo!], btw, the midwife broke my water [amniotic sac] and told me to push when i feel the contraction. i seriously dunno why, i kept pushing, but i tak larat. really, really, really tak larat. i pushed and the baby barely came out. pushed again, he barely moved. [baby, best sangat ke duduk dalam perut mama??]

somehow, finally, the midwife, a nurse and the doctor got me to push and the baby was out! phew! papa was with me all the way. i can still remember his face when i told him i tak larat dah. ["tak pe lah papa... just let me go... let me go..." while crying. amboi, dramatik nya!]. when the baby was out, he cried a little bit, i was so thankful he got out alright and that it was over. of course, i had to be stitched up a bit [youch!] then i was sent to my room.

so, that was umar zaafarani's first adventure. i named him umar, papa chose zaafarani. umar means yg memakmurkan or the one who brings peace and prosperity. zaafarani means yg harum mewangi or something to do with smelling nice and fragrant. i wanted to name him umar after saidina umar al-khattab, the second caliph, who is also a war general. i want him to grow up tough and strict and i want him to be able to take care and stand up for his sister if the need ever came.

okay, i think that's the end of update one... so let's move on to...

update 2
i have a new job. i am a producer/dj for OUM's iRadio. it's a cool job. and so far i'm liking what i'm doing. have been there for about 6 months before i took maternity leave for umar. will go back as their permanent staff after my 2 months leave.

okay, so i totally wanna share my thoughts about the job, the place and the people, but i don't wanna dooce myself. suffice to say, there are people there who don't deserve to be there but is there nonetheless. world is built by mainly those type of people, but i can survive them. i know i will.

okay, that's pretty much it for the moment. of course, lots of things are going through my mind right now and there's a lot more i want to say, but let's just leave it at this first, ya?

i read rumplestiltskin to my girl last nite, and i stopped halfway (much to her annoyance) because i started to notice something. the miller's daughter (you know, the girl whose dad promised to the king can weave gold from straw?) is someone who ain't true to her words? okay, fine, so the rumplestiltskin dude was wayy out of line asking for her first child, but she could've said no, methinks, right?

think about it, all she'd have to do, from the very beginning is tell the king, "look, dude, you've been pawned by daddy'o. i can't weave no gold from straw, dude. and look, dude, you're already the king, and you have more money than i do, if i could've really weave gold from straw, do you seriously think daddy'o would still be only a miller? king dude, seriously!"

and what's with the father in the first place? why is he so blardy desperate to marry off his daughter to the king that he'd lie about something like that? so, we want better lives for our kids, does that mean it's okay for us to tell blatant lies like that? lies that could've seriously jeopardised their lives? what am i trying to tell my little girl? that mama is okay with lying, so long as you get to live comfortably in a palace?

and whenever i look at other fairy tales, and mind you, these are the so-called toned down andersens and grimms fairy tales (minus the iron terompah worn by snow white's stepmom who later jumped down a ravine, you get my drift?), and looking at them, i realised, they are nothing to be proud of. i mean, what are actually the moral value of cinderella? anybody?

okay, so it's good vs. evil, and good triumphs over evil, but hey, i could've seriously taught my little girl that watching CSI. "see, baby, don't ever piss off gil grissom, or if you must, cover your tracks!". but seriously, prince charming fell for her for what? ella's (that's her real name, you know, cinder-ella?) kindness? he saw all that after what? a few dances? and with those dances he knew she is the world's kindest, most-maligned poor little girl? and with that he fell in love with her? do i seriously want to delude my little girl with that?

and don't, please don't let me start on goldilocks and snow white. please, god, here i am, telling my little girl not to speak to strangers, and there's snow white, gallivanting through the woods, poking her head into the first cottage she sees, saw seven beds in the cottage and goes straight to sleep on them? uh, hullo, those might be pervert midgets' beds, right there, missy! (i've always had a theory where grumpy got his name from).

yep, i'm giving up on fairy tales altogether. i don't want to confuse my little girl. she might think that mama is a big pervert herself for thinking all of this, but hey, let me reason with her when the time comes, rather than teaching her one thing today, and teaching her a totally different thing tomorrow. yep, i've made that brutal choice, i'd rather my little girl grow up deprived of fairy tales rather than clogging up her brain cells with inconsistencies and incongruities.

my political standing?
i will not, and insyaAllah, i will never be a pawn.. my political POV may be flawed, it may be too idealistic, too simple or too darn-annoying that you have to disagree with me, but thats okay, cos i don't care what you think, my opinions are there because i want them to be there, not because i want you to approve of them.. if i want that, i'd probably be like you *shudders*

i only have one question.. to all you thousands who flood the streets of KL.. where is DSAI? do you know where he is? he is actually safely tucked away in a KL suburb, speaking at a rooftop, while the rest of yous are roaming the streets of KL, demanding a cleaner election. hey, of course, the perhimpunan is by the people for the people, right? we don't need our leaders here, we are doing this for ourselves, for our kids, our future generation.. yeah right, future generation my ass!!

if, and if you want the future generation to have that so-called better future, why don't you start with educating them, then? tell them the right and the wrong. let them make up their own mind and decision. stop spoonfeeding them with your version of right and wrong [and calling other people wrong just because you think you're right] and LET THEM MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS, for god's sake!

stop being a PAWN.. stop being STUPID!

the story begins at 9am in the morning, when a 'considerate' relative called up my mother and asked whether or not 'makcik' [i.e, my mother] going to be at home. my mother said yes, and she prepared all the stuff for the coming guest, at around 9am.. you know what time they showed up? 4 something friggin PM..

in case you're wondering, who the heck this relative is, she is just one of my father's many niece [i lost count]. she is younger than my mother [well, duh!] and significantly lower in the family food-chain of putting that much importance on her coming.

bloody hell, what the fcuk is that? who the fcuk does that? [well, uh, apparently, one of my kin lah] you just don't do that. at least have the sense to say, "kami bukan nak datang sekarang, just checking makcik ke mana2 tak.. mungkin petang kami datang.." considerate sangat lah tu kononnya telefon mak aku pagi2 buta kata nak datang beraya!

nak datang raya, datang aje lah. ko datang jauh2 pun, too bad lah if we're not around. nak cakap macam mana? takkanlah kitorang nak duduk depan pintu menungga-nangga orang datang? have we no life? you're the only one yang pandai beraya?

sedarlah, when you make that call, when you say you're gonna show up, people expect you to show up. and in the spirit of the season, we actually want to celebrate you showing up. but when you pull shit like this, then macam mana? are we supposed to just senyum and buat bodoh ke? sorry, you are the bodoh one, not us.

and for cryin out loud, people, tell your friggin kids not to treat other people's home like their own. "owh, anak i memang macam ni, suka ambik2 barang.. suka larik2.." i feel like slapping the damned kid and say "owh, i memang macam ni dengan budak2 tak makan saman, i sepak2kan aje.."

and oh yeah, selamat hari raya.

of course, i do.. but one of the thing i hate the most at the moment is people who think that the whole world is against them.. "i am all alone against the big bad scawie woild, and nobody's on my side.." BOO HOO!! go kill yourself, you're of no use to humanity.. and you're certainly of no use to me! yes, as mentioned before, i am a bitch, fo shizzle dizzle whatever.. you are never alone unless you want to be.. the whole world is what you make of it and making a stupid mistake to let the world shape you is idiocy on your part, please do not bother the rest of the human race, you jerk! nobody is your friend? have YOU tried being somebody's friend?? nobody's there to help you? uh hullo? have YOU tried to help others? please, stop wallowing in self pity, unless you wanna drown yourself.. stop being in the pessimistic, defeatist frame of mind.. please, for the love of God, GROW friggin UP!

no, actually, i wrote a lot these past six months, they're just scattered here, there, everywhere in the virtual landscape i have embraced, just that they're not here. yes, i am now a paid writer. my fate (and monthly salary) lies in the hands of words and sentences, commas and periods, prefixes and suffixes and the likes.

i suffer for this passion. now i remember why i didn't wanna do journalism or advertising in the first place. they're very draining. sure, i get the practice and i get the exposure. god knows i need them, but doesn't mask the fact that i am somewhat sick of them.

i look at words and sentences on a daily basis, not because and when i want to, but because i have to. lucky this is something i like doing, but i have my bad days, you know?

so when that happens, i escape. i travel in my head, to an alternate reality, a reality where kuchiki byakuya is falling for his new fukutaichou (kisuke kazahana, kudos to whoever managed to figure out who she is related to, it doesn't take that much thinking, i promise). or another dimension where dean winchester is falling for this mysterious, dark haired paranormal researcher/writer.

gawsh, but you know what all these alternate realities and other dimensions made me realize? it made me realize that, even when i want to escape and run away from it all, i seem to run back to writing anyways. like this is something i have to do, for both pleasure and pain. writing is something i do for a living and relaxation. and that's not so bad now, is it?